


Lover Dearest

by millipii



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Character Death, Destiel - Freeform, M/M, Oneshot, Sad, Sadness, So Wrong It's Right, Written at 2 am so its probably trash, castiel - Freeform, dean is broken, so is Cas - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-29
Updated: 2015-06-29
Packaged: 2018-04-06 20:45:14
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,458
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4236018
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/millipii/pseuds/millipii
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"I love you."</p><p>The words are written into Castiel's jaw line, carved by Dean's lips as they move to meet his, their breath mingling in the late winter air. This time, they are tangled in an alleyway, filled with spite and admiration and everything in between.</p><p>(And when Dean starts sobbing against Castiel's rib cage, there is nothing stopping them from kissing again)</p>
            </blockquote>





	Lover Dearest

**Author's Note:**

> PLS DONT READ I WROTE THIS SO LONG AGO IT IT COMPLETE GARBAGE DO NOT READ UNLESS YOU WANT TO HATE ME AS A WRITER

Dean never says "I love you" much.

In fact, he had only said the three words to three people; one of which is dead, one is his brother, and the other is Castiel.

Castiel found it strange that in a world where people so freely give their love and respect and devotion, a man like Dean who would give his life for everyone else would have such a hard time showing his true emotions. And yet, Castiel thinks, Dean expresses his feelings in small ways. Gestures that go undetected, lingering touches and subtle glances and the tiniest of things that intermingle wind around Castiel, creating a force so thick that sometimes he can't even breathe without thinking of Dean's sparkling emerald eyes or the way the man throws his body into his laugh, the movement surprisingly fluid and the lines outlining his muscles dissolving into elegance.

Castiel wishes that just for a moment, one shimmering, beautiful moment, that Dean could be happy and that they could be happy together and the world could stop ending and nothing would hurt. He scoffs at the thought, standing unclothed in front of the motel mirror and tracing his limp fingers over the place where his wings once were. The scars, though unseen by Dean or Sam, existed, burned into his flesh by the feathers being violently ripped out, torn to shreds along with his Grace. It hurt. All the time. Castiel never complained.

Dean doesn't need complaints. He needs compliance, security, consistency. With everything changing, the corpses lining his memory and blood staining his hands, he needs something to hold on to as the world around him goes to Hell.

As luck would have it, Castiel became that thing.

~~~

It was a silent night in a small rural town somewhere in Kansas. There had been a hunt, exactly three deaths, and many, many drinks afterward.

"Oh god," Dean whispered, voice broken by the alcohol and weathered by bloodshed. He sighed, running his calloused hands through his cropped dirty hair, before collapsing in a messy wet pile in the motel room. Castiel recalled wondering where Sam was before remembering that he had left to see to another demon across town.

"Oh god," Dean mumbled after beheading a nest of vampires in Atlanta. He grew tense as Castiel approached, healing the injured man's various wounds and perching lightly on the floor next to him. Castiel smiled tightly (because Dean needed a smile) and pat the other man on the back silently as sobs leaked out. Castiel felt a longing deep within his chest, a longing to hold Dean close in his arms, wrapping them both in the scent of his trench coat and wiping away his tears. A longing for Dean's lips, the need to bring him so close he could count all of Deans freckles and kiss each and every one of them. Castiel wanted to comfort him so badly.

(But he didn't)

"Oh g-" The words were muffled and strange sounding against Castiel's raven hair, Dean's low voice almost feral as he lay down burning kisses that covered every single inch of the fallen angel's skin. They lay, entangled and trapped in the warmth of Californian heat, before Castiel reached out and interlaced his fingers with Dean's, pulling three other man flush against his body. The night was impossibly humid and pitch black and perfect, but it was over as soon as it started because neither of them deserved anything as sweet as that.

And then Castiel pulled away, eyes wide and hair disheveled, standing up and moving to leave.

Castiel couldn't do this to him. Not when he was broken enough, not when Dean was already making a horrible decision. That would be cruel.

~~~

"Dean you're intoxicated."

"I know what I was doing, Cas."

"No you didn't, and you wouldn't do it again if you were sober."

"And how do you know?"

Castiel just smiles sadly and presses his hands to Dean's forehead, caressing his face gently and running his hands through his distraught hair. The man next to him goes limp, the bed sheets folding around him ever so gently. Castiel lets his face crumple once Dean is asleep and he slowly traces the man's features, lingering on his chapped lips and the sweeping curve of his dead collarbones, littered with the memories of the deceased and long gone.

And then he leaves, along with Dean's memory of the night they spent together and everything they had said and done.

~~~

And he thinks that everything would be okay, until one night in Michigan it happens again and this time Dean is sober and Castiel deems it would be completely unfair to clear the man's mind again. After all, Dean had been the one to come to him, and there was no changing that fact. In a span of five minutes, everything changes and the rules don't exist, and Castiel is standing there with his head spinning and Dean Winchester's arms slung around his waist like nothing was ever different.

Castiel finds he doesn't mind.

~~~

"I love you."

The words are written into Castiel's jaw line, carved by Dean's lips as they move to meet his, their breath mingling in the late winter air. This time, they are tangled in an alleyway, filled with spite and admiration and everything in between.

(And when Dean starts sobbing against Castiel's rib cage, there is nothing stopping them from kissing again)

~~

They hide whatever they have together in the fold of motel linens and trash littered alleyways, stealing short and bittersweet moments together, and for a time Castiel thinks everything is clicking together but there is still something not quite right.

"I love you."

Because the words are purely Dean's and Castiel know he means them and it shouldn't hurt as much as it did to realise that he loved Dean back. He thinks for a moment that Dean deserves more than hidden escapades and secrets held in the form of murders, but then again, they both know that it can never be any different. Happiness always came with a price for the Winchesters, and Castiel isn't sure whether or not he wanted Dean to pay it.

And it dawns on Castiel that they simply cannot love each other. Dean cannot love a broken man. Dean will get hurt. Castiel knows Dean like no other, and he knows that if it comes down to it, the man will sacrifice everything just to save an angel with no wings. Because that's just who Dean is.

Castiel decides that no matter what, he will make sure that Dean knows he is good and that he is fair and that he knows that the stars that burn out in the vast galaxy burn just for him, and that Dean Winchester should learn to let go of the mangled Castiel that is beyond repair because if he doesn't, then he will get hurt again. A dry chuckle escapes his lips as he thinks of this. Crystal tears soon come after and in a short while, he is reduced to a sobbing mess.

God forbid Dean ever gets hurt.

~~~

And so Castiel makes a choice, an undeniably difficult choice, as he slowly scrabbled the words onto the back of a gas station receipt and murmurs his goodbyes into Dean's hair.

"I love you."

Castiel is overcome with a strange new emotion, the pure pain of the feeling washing over him until he is nothing more than pink scrubbed skin and blue eyes hiding in a bathroom stuck in the human world. It hurts more than anything, and he can't help but wonder if it has always been this painful for humanity to love.

And then he is out the door and into another stolen car and driving away into the nights, clouds crowding the blurry night sky, and he only looks back once.

That is the night Castiel leaves the Winchesters.

He rips out whatever is left of his heart, tearing into his soul and crying out in pain because the only person who has ever understood him is Dean and Dean has to be gone forever. Standing on the cold metal pole that is the railing of a bridge, nearly shivering with cold, Castiel knows that this is the only way to keep Dean safe and good. The water below is churning loudly, grinding painfully against the sharp rocks below, and Castiel does what he has to do because Dean is the only beautiful thing worth protecting in this life and he has to protect him.

He looks back one last time and then steps over, plummeting towards the waves below and not even feeling a tiny bit of regret.

As he dies, he thinks of green.

**Author's Note:**

> ASDFDKGJ I'm so sorry if you read all of that it was horrible.


End file.
